My Video Game RomCom Snafu
by romfan99
Summary: Hikigaya and Miura meet through a popular online game in middle school under the aliases 'N0rmieh8ter' and 'theQueenof10is.'
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 - Friend Request**

When I die, I'd like to be reborn in a video game.

Wait, let me clarify: I'd like to be reborn in video game that treats the protagonist in a satisfactory manner. Nothing like _Outfast_ or _Loud Plateau_. I know the gods of facetiousness were licking their chops at that opportunity, so kindly back off.

Any reasonable person would agree that video games are superior to reality in every aspect. For example, how would most people handle a stressful day at school? They might hang out with friends, bury themselves in their studies; there are many suboptimal options. Me? I shout useless NPC's off mountains. What about those times you want to feel like a 'manly man?' Simply eat some mushrooms and save the princess. And if you're feeling nostalgic? Go brutalize some animals and stuff them in balls.

Any reasonable person would also agree that attempting any of the aforementioned actions in the real world would result in dire, irreversible consequences. Shooting up a strip club and fleeing in a stolen Bugatti is not a situation that would resolve itself after a few moments of obscurity. 'Whoopsies~! Tehepero!~' doesn't cut it either. I certainly don't want a cousin that calls every few minutes asking if I'd like to go bowling. Do people even go bowling anymore? Didn't that die with the _Wee Bowling_?

Most importantly though, video games can be enjoyed unaccompanied. No disagreeing on what movie to see, no last minute cancellations, no waiting around a couple hours after the agreed upon meeting time only to find out it was a joke... no hassles. I'd go as far to say that being alone is a prerequisite for enjoying yourself.

… Which is why I'm faced with the current predicament.

 **You have a friend request from: theQueenof10is**

Who is this? What happened to other nine 'queens of tennis'?

My gut is telling me to click 'Decline.' I only have 297 more slots available on my friends list, and crowded lists quickly lose their functionality as organizational tools. It's probably some pathetic, 30 year old guy who hasn't been outside since the Big Bang patch. Declined.

"theQueenof10is: hey~ wanna play?~"

I definitely clicked 'Decline.' And act your age, please. It's not cute sending messages with squiggly lines at 40 years old. I better drown this kitten before it becomes bigger a problem.

"N0rmieh8tr: uh sure, just give me a moment"

I meant for that to be more firm.

"N0rmieh8tr: actually, do i know you?"

"theQueenof10is: ye! u kicked my ass last game :3 i was the mookong."

To be fair, Mr. 50 year old was a pretty decent player. Not completely brain dead. As for the people he was playing with… I hope hospitals are cognizant that holding children is not an innate parenting skill. Those people were definitely dropped at some point growing up.

"N0rmieh8tr: no offense, but i usually play alone"

"theQueenof10is: oh please~ this isnt your shower uwu"

My my, you're quite the lech, Grandpa. And what the heck is 'uwu?'

"N0rmieh8tr: so what do you do in the shower uwu?"

"theQueenof10is: gross! srsly gross! dont ask a girl something like that! :("

Your hypocrisy betrays the cutesy manner of your typing. So much for gender equality.

"N0rmieh8tr: my bad lets queue up"

"theQueenof10is: join voice~"

This'll be good.

"Hey."

I really need to get a new headset. The sound quality is getting unbearable. My birthday is coming up soon, though; maybe Mom and Dad can actually get me something this year. I'll just use earbuds for now.

"Hello? Is this working?"

Damn, why my earbuds are acting up, too? Do I even have anything else?

"N0rmieh8tr: one sec my headset isnt working"

"Eh? I think it's okay. Like, I just heard you say something about a birthday."

"You did?"

"Yeah, but you sound really far away."

"Right, one sec."

"…"

Code blue! Code blue! This is not a drill! Repeat, this is not a drill!

"Are you okay? It sounds like you're-"

Why is a girl playing this game!? This shit game! It's full of ragers and 12 year olds! Nitwits, halfwits, morons and idiots! Not girls! There's nothing even remotely feminine about it! If I were a girl, the only reason I'd play it would be to make money off of lonely virgins by streaming it online! 'Kyaa!~ Thyanks for the syubscription!' Or something like that!

"Uh… yeah. Just… uh… let's queue."

Two 'X' chromosomes. No big deal. You exchanged numbers with Orimoto last week. A pretty smooth operation if I say so myself. I've never seen her make a face like that around anyone else before, so just be yourself, stud!

"So, why are you called "normie hater?"

... I want to die.

"Uh... I don't… uh… get along that well with… uh…. other people."

"Obviously, you stutter way too much."

This bitch. What if I had a speech impediment? I bet you'd feel like a bitch, you bitch.

"... I bet people complain about your voice all the time."

"Huh!? That doesn't make any sense! This is how girls are supposed to sound, you virgin!"

So that's why she's not duoing with some challenger e-boy. She's one of those. People who act differently through text than they do in real life. Behind all the squiggly lines and silly faces, she's actually an extremely unpleasant person.

"I bet you have tons of friends IRL."

"More than you, virgin."

Why couldn't you have been an old man? This conversation isn't going anywhere soon. I need to retreat for now.

"Actually, it's… uh... getting late, so I'm gonna get off now. Catch you around… uh... sometime."

That's a lie, of course. It's the weekend: I'm playing until the sun comes up. I'm just not going to let her ruin my free time. Go explode, bitch. I prefer to play alone, anyways.

* * *

"[0:03] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): LOOOOOL"

"[0:10] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): did i hurt your feelings or something XD"

"[0:13] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): what a VIRGIN"

This is a pretty unlucky situation. One truly worthy of the phrase 'such misfortune!' I suppose it's better than a stubbed toe or something but unfortunate nonetheless. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

"[0:25] [All] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): gank our shin. the VIRGIN could use some action 2nite LOL"

"/mute all"

15 minutes. Just make it past 15 minutes without doing anything regrettable, and everything will be okay. You're still having fun. It's just a game. It's foolish to get angry over such a trivial thing.

"[0:30] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

"[0:30] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

"[0:31] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

"[0:31] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

"[0:32] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

"[0:32] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"

14 days isn't really that long, is it? Just 2 weeks. Half a month. I have other games to play, and I could always make another account if things get carried away. I'm not even the one in the wrong here!

* * *

 **Victory!**

 **theQueenof10is was the most honorable player on your team**

I guess her attitude lends itself well to stabbing people with a lance. 17 kills is a bit much, though. I shouldn't have helped her that last fight. Go die, please.

"11:29 hey you werent complete trash!~"

… She didn't unfriend me. Also, does that squiggly line make it okay to say whatever you want?

"11:29 go die bitch~"

"11:30 DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT?"

Tehepero!~ Maybe women are the only ones that can use it, like those mecha-themed light novels..

"11:30 i meant gg. you played really well"

"11:30 yeah but you saved me a couple times~ we had good synergy uwu"

Oh no, don't even ask. I won't say yes.

"11:31 i have to go now but will you be on tomorrow?~"

"11:31 yeah same time"

"11:31 k see you then~"

Finally, I can play in peace. Getting stuck with her was absolute torture. What kind of masochist would enjoy being around a girl like that? Maybe a deaf masochist! Heh, that's a pretty funny thought! I guess her messages were pretty cute, but she's sorely mistaken if she thinks we're playing again. No way I can put up with her bitchy attitude another night. Good riddance.

 **Add theQueenof10is to your block list?**

 _"Huh!? That doesn't make any sense!"_

 _"did i hurt your feelings or something XD"_

 _"DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT?"_

 _"will you be on tomorrow?~"_

"…"

I'll wait until tomorrow... One more game won't hurt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Friends with Strangers**

"Teamwork Makes the Dream Work. _"_

As much as I hate to admit it, there are times when working as a team is undeniably superior to working as an individual.

 **XxUrFleetingLifexX knocked out theQueenof10is by headshot with CAR39**

"Shit! Hikio, hurry up! I'm bleeding out here!"

Regrettably, this is not one of those times.

"Where are they?"

"Between the trees, prone. It's just the one; I knocked his friend."

"... You realize there are a dozen trees over there, right?"

"Are you blind or something!? Didn't you see the flash!?"

"No."

"He's going to his friend! Behind the tree in the middle! Shoot them! Do something, Hikio! HE DOESN'T EVEN HA-"

Oh, there they are. I wonder if anyone else holds their breath when their character does.

 **YOU killed XxUrFleetingLifexX with Jumbo 14 - 34 left**

 **3 kills**

 **theQueenof10is finally killed XxImFleetingsWifexX**

Disgusting.

Had I known the circumstances, I wouldn't have fooled around so much. There is no greater evil to the online gaming community than couples with matching IGN's. It makes me sick watching them parade each other around like rare commodities. How can they call themselves gamers!? I am proud to have cleansed scum like them from the game.

"Hey, good job! You actually did something for once!"

… Why am I reviving you again?

"Alright, I think we have time to loot those idiots. The circle doesn't move for another minute. _"_

Good, I need a new vest. Some 5.65mm wouldn't hurt, either.

"Hehehe _…_ Nice try, dumbasses! Thought you could kill me, did ya? Hehehe _…"_

You know, that laugh really isn't befitting of a "queen." You might want to work on that when y- Wait, did you just make a slurping sound!?

"I'm taking your gear now. Make yourself useful and service my feet. Hehehe _..._

Oh, that Yumi! Always the kidder! She's such a funny girl!

"Make sure you get in between the toes… Hehehe _…"_

I feel like I'm interrupting something. Would you guys like some alone time? I'll just excuse myself and wait behind the trees while you finish taking care of Mr. and Mrs. Proner.

"Alright, time to loot your whore!"

Music, let's turn on some music. Let's see, do I hav-

"Hehehe _..._ You're a cute one, aren't ya! You don't mind if I-"

Jesus... I need to take a breather. My headset's giving me a massive headache, and I'm thirsty… for water, of course. With a glass large enough to dive in to and forget about what's happening.

* * *

"Man, that felt good!"

I'm sure it did, just skip the details. Thanks.

"Seriously though, proners are so pathetic What a bunch of virgins!"

Hey, there's nothing wrong with chastity! Though, I probably shouldn't tell her that I camp my solo games until 10 to 15 survivors. I'd rather my character not be subjected to foot service, female or otherwise. Also, between 'whore' and 'virgin,' which one is more offensive? Is there an optimal level of sexual activity to avoid your scorn?

"Hikio, how are your meds?"

"..."

"Hikio!?"

"Wah!? Oh, fine... I got 4 med kits off the last people we hit."

Almost forgot my own name.

* * *

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:05_

 _hey normie!~_

 _ **N0rmieh8trhey**_ _Today at 00:05_

 _..._

 _hey queen_

 _cant use mic at the moment_

 _my family id sleeping_

 _is*_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:06_

 _np~_

 _ **N0rmieh8trhey**_ _Today at 00:06_

 _actually ive been meaning to ask_

 _weve known each other a few weeks now_

 _why is your name theQueenof "10" is/_

 _cant imagine 9 other people wanted that name_

 _?_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:06_

 _cause ima 10/10 :3_

I hate to tell you this, but you come across as an old man online.

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:06_

 _so... wut shud i call u?~_

 _u get kinda weird when i call u normie LOL_

 _even worse then virgin_

 _but at leastt hat ones tru :3_

Why are you cyberbullying me?

 _ **N0rmieh8trhey**_ _Today at 00:07_

 _uh can we just use our names/_

 _?_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:07_

 _nah thats weird/_

 _u could be some cree pfor all i know1_

 _bsides i bet ur nanme is like totes weird XD_

I hope your parents named you 'Slagathor.'

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:07_

 _les just do nicknames close to are real ones_

 _call me Yumi~_

Woah! 'Yumi,' eh? That's way better than 'Slagathor!' Hehe... Yumi!~

 _ **N0rmieh8trhey**_ _Today at 00:08_

 _k Yumi call me Hikio_

Whoops, fat fingered the 'i' and 'o.' Let's fix that bef-

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Today at 00:08_

 _awww thats pretty cute X3_

 _k Hikio it is!~_

* * *

"Hey Hikio... I've been meaning to ask you something. Do your parents ever… yell? Like, fight with each other?"

"Not really. I doubt they have the energy. They work like 80, 90 hours a week."

"... I see."

This isn't what I thought we'd talk about after our first duo win in PU:GO, but hey, roll with the punches.

"... Are you worried about them?"

"Not really. I mean… like, today. They were arguing over who left the pantry door open. Like, really? A door? I lied and said I did it, but they like started again as soon as I left. That's all they do anymore, just argue about stupid things. I don't know, it's just like they aren't… you know… happy? Or something like that…"

"Isn't that just part of becoming an adult?"

BZZZZ, wrong answer! Thanks for playing, Hachiman!

"God... why did I bother asking you?"

Agreed, you made a very poor judgement call.

"It's just easier talking about this stuff with strangers, ya know?.. People who won't judge you... It'd be weird asking a friend about this..."

Good to know our standing. Strangers, eh? Well, guilt will get you nowhere with me, stranger. Why, just the other day- Is she sick or something? Healthy people don't make sniffling sounds like that. Playing games at 2 A.M. with strangers probably isn't the best thing for your health. Go to bed, stranger.

 _"_ It's... it's just scary thinking that maybe... maybe they don't love each other... and maybe... maybe they don't want to be together anymore..."

"…"

Dammit. It sounds like she's bawling her eyes out.

"Uh… Look. That's… I mean… Like"

Am I having a stroke!? Think, just say something! Anything!

"Sorry about that... It's nothing _._ I'm logging off for the night, though _._ Later, Hi-"

"Wait, wait, wait, listen... They… they probably have a lot on their plate at the moment. Yeah, a lot of 'adult problems' and such... They probably don't... _hate_ each other, but it's easy to bicker when you're stressed. I'm sure... I'm sure they just need to calm down, talk it out, and things will go back to normal."

That was really good! Is this a hidden talent of mine, because I'm great at talking to strangers!

"... I don't know. My dad. He… he got a promotion last year. At first, we were like, really happy for him, but now he just works all the time... Like, I know my mom misses him. I do too, but what can we do? He's always in such a bad mood when he comes home..."

"Have you told him that?

"... What?"

Cough...

"Say, Dyad~ You've been in like, a reawy bad mood latewy!~ It like, myakes me reawy syad seeing you like that, and I myiss you so, syo much!~ You like, wanna talk about your day with your favowite girl in whooole world?~ Mwah!~"

A voice actor, too? What other unknown skills do I-

"... Are you you making fun of me?"

Huh?

"Or... are you **FUCKING RETARD!?** "

… Is 'neither' an option? It's a pretty unfair question if 'neither' isn't an option.

 **theQueenof10is is offline**

"…"

This isn't a problem that can wait until tomorrow, is it?

* * *

2:35 [hey Yumi. sorry if i upset you]

2:35 [i was trying to help honestly]

2:38 [come on dont make me call]

[ur a fuking idiot] 2:38

2:38 [sorry maybe i had a little too much fun with it]

2:38 [but i wasnt making fun of you i promise]

[ya i gues u dont hav the balls to do something like tht :)] 2:39

2:39 [really? im trying to help you at 239 and you call me a eunuch?]

[wat? im saying u dont hav a spine XD] 2:39

Thanks, Yumi. I was the confused one there. Thank you for properly explaining the situation to me. And good call on the squiggly line. Only a couple extra clicks for that extra pizazz when emasculating someone through a text.

[u still ther?] 2:41

2:41 [no looking for my balls and seeing if i can borrow a spine]

[so gross! X3] 2:41

[so... wat were u tryinh to say with yhat stupid voice?] 2:42

2:42 [i was saying your dad cant read minds]

2:43 [that maybe he thinks your mom is the one with the bad attitude]

2:44 [that maybe he doesnt even realise hes being an asshole]

[so wat. u want just want us tell him hes being an sashole!?] 2:44

2:44 [let me finish. youre his daughter. that means something]

2:45 [if its anything like my family it means a lot]

[u done? X3] 2:47

2:47 [yeah]

[i just dont want him to hate me…] 2:48

[you know? if he can just work it out with mom, i think everything will be okay] 2:48

2:48 [and im the one that needs a spine?]

2:48 [boohoo mommy and daddy dont get along like they used to waaah]

2:49 [im asking a girl out this week]

2:49 [its the scariest thing ive every done. i want to throw up just thinking about it]

2:50 [we're not even that close. she could pull a knife on me or something for christs sake]

2:50 [but nothing will happen if i dont try]

2:51 [so we can worry complain or do nothing about our problems]

2:52 [but dont come crying to me until youve at least put in the minimal effort]

2:53 [goodnight Yumi]

I'm pissed.

Not at Yumi... Maybe a little. I'm mad at the whole situation. It happens so often. Someone makes a shitty assumption and just relies on other people to identify what crawled up their ass and extract it for them. Thousands of years worth of social evolution, wasted on a self-induced mind game.

How was I supposed to know Mom got a haircut last week? I only see her on the weekends anyway! Did she think putting tomatoes in my dinner would make me notice!? I bet she just wanted to reserve the right to complain! It's horseshit! Complete and utter, passive-aggressive horse-

[well that was a good cry X3] 2:57

… shit.

[just wanted to let u kno ur stil an ass!~] 2:57

And you're still a-

[but you were kinda right. i think i just watned the prob to go away on its onw..] 2:57

[so im gonna talk to him2morow] 2:58

[but dont u dare bakc out on ur end!~] 2:58

[u signed a deal with the devil X3] 2:58

... I didn't let my secret slip at some point, did I? I got rid of all that stuff last year. Deleted all of my old forum accounts, fiction entries, threw away my costumes, theory journals. I haven't even seen a pentagram since last July!

[so ask that girl out] 2:58

[and ill talk to my dad] 2:58

[worst case ill jus ttell him Hikio told me to do this XD] 2:59

Don't do that. I've heard the things Dad said he will do to boys once Komachi starts dating. I'm not double jointed; my legs don't bend that way!

[work on ur texting to btw ur so sloooooooooow XD] 2:59

2:59 [well, sorry i dont have much practice]

2:59 [G]

2:59 [O]

2:59 [O]

2:59 [D]

2:59 [N]

3:00 [I]

3:00 [G]

3:00 [H]

3:00 [T]

3:00 [Y]

3:00 [U]

3:00 [M]

3:00 [I]

3:01 [there am i doing it right?]

[geez ur such an dummy XD] 3:01

[nite Hikio~] 3:01

What a pain in the ass that was. I'm not good at this emotional stuff. Doesn't she have friends she can talk to about things like this?

 _"It's just easier talking about this stuff with strangers, ya know?"_

Is that really what we are? 'Strangers?' The people you avoid eye contact with in public? The ones you hold doors for and hope a string of five don't come along? Is that all we are to each other?

 _"..."_

 _"nite Hikio~"_

Hehe... I guess that's fine for now. Hehe...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Offline**

* * *

 _Friday, July 11, 2008_

* * *

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hey, remember to tell me how it goes 2nite i expect deets!~_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _sure, if I make it that long. i think my hearts going to explode out of my chest before then._

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _ull be fine! jus relax~_

 _im sure shell accept if shes not 2 far out of ur league! X3_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _fuck off_

 _leaving "ttyl"~!W$#Tasagasd fTehsghs_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _Look at u~!_

 _sayin ttyl XD_

 _go get er tiger! :3_

* * *

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hey Yumi!_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _HEY HOWD IT GO?_

 _she say yes?!_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _no no but listen_

 _i got her nujmber_

 _she wants to start off as friends!_

 _it was so cute_

 _she was fidgetting so much_

 _and avoiding eye contact_

 _i wish i had a picture_

 _..._

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

 **…**

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hikio_

 _do u realize wat was going on?_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hm?_

 _what do you mean?_

…

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _y do u think she was acting like taht?_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _?_

 _she was just really shy_

 _ive never seen her act like that before_

 _i just wanted to hug her!_

 _..._

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

…

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hikio_

 _im sayin this as a friend_

 _but_

 _..._

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

…

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _shes not interestd_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _what do you mean?_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _y do u think she didnt say yes_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/7_

 _?_

 _i told you_

 _shes really shy_

 _she just wants to start off as friends_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _friends arnt a big deal hikio_

 _any1 can be friends_

…

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

…

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _was there any1 else there?_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _no just the two of us_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _where?_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _a classroom_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2006/7/11_

 _wat about outside the room?_

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _i mean_

 _there were a few people_

 _but it was after school_

 _they were just going to clubs or something_

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _they were watching_

…

 _N0rmieh8tr is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _so?_

…

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

…

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _hikio she was just being nice about ti_

 _like_

 _i dont want u getting burned_

 _just drop it_

 _trust me_

 _shes nto interrsted_

 _friend or otherwise_

 _..._

 _N0rmieh8tr is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _thanks Yumi_

 _..._

 _N0rmieh8tr is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _but im a big boy_

 _i can look after myself_

 _i dont need you looking after me_

 _..._

 _N0rmieh8tr is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **N0rmieh8tr**_ _2008/7/11_

 _orimoto and i have known each other for a while now_

 _longer than youve known me_

 _you dont know her_

 _so just back off on this will you?_

 _if you arent happy for me thats fine_

 _but dont make this into something i know its not_

 _..._

 _theQueenof10is is typing…_

 _..._

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _2008/7/11_

 _join the call_

* * *

 _[i kno i said some harsh things] 23:57_

 _[and u probbaly didnt want to hear them] 23:57_

 _[but u had NO RIGHT to say that] 23:57_

 _[NONE] 23:57_

 _[im jus tryign to help u RETARD] 23:57_

 _[caus ur making a big mistake] 23:57_

 _[msg me again wen ur ready to apologize] 23:58_

 _[and MAYBE just MAYBe ill give u a shoulder to cry on] 23:58_

* * *

 _Sunday, July 13, 2008_

* * *

 _[u still pouting?] 23:57_

* * *

 _Monday, July 14, 2008_

* * *

 _[w/e msg me wen u log on thsi week] 00:08_

* * *

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ 2008/7/14

 _u ignoring me or somethign?_

 _stop being a little girl_

* * *

 _Friday, July 18, 2008_

* * *

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Last Friday at 2:02_

 _u know wat_

 _fuck off_

 _do wat u want idc_

 _hope it works out for u and namby pampby bitch_

 _cause it wont okay? itll crash and burn_

 _her fuknig friends were LAUGHING at u moron_

 _u were nothin but a big joke to them_

 _get a clue Hikio_

* * *

 _Monday, July 21, 2008_

* * *

 _ **theQueenof10is**_ _Last Monday at 07:29_

 _hey..._

 _sorry about wat i said earliler..._

 _u didnt need to hear that..._

 _bad day at shool and all..._

 _u konw..._

 _ill call 2nite please ansewr..._

* * *

 _Missed call from [Yumi] - 20:21_

 _Missed call from [Yumi] - 20:58_

 _Missed call from [Yumi] - 23:46_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - Bond**

 **BZZZ… BZZZ… BZZZ…**

"H-Hello? Is… Is this Hikigaya? For _…"_

"Hahahaha!"

"Shut up Riko, I'm doing it!"

"For the longe-"

... Don't I get enough of this shit at school? I'm surprised they even have the energy to pester me after everything that happened today. Shouldn't they should be out gathering nectar or snatching flying insects with their tongues? Go interact with your own species.

"You're fuckin' dead, dead, DEAD!"

Like these rednecks, for example. Do you see them mingling with Triads? With hipsters? Of course not.

"Sorry it has to be like like this Ervin, but you're kinda cutting into my business. So... I kinda have to cut into you."

"Wait, wait, we can work somethin' out, Travis. Please, I- AAAHHHHH!"

I can't stand when people make that face. I already see it everyday, just let me play _MVT 5_ in peace.

"Travis Parker Enterprises! _"_

Enough.

"What's a goin' on in he- oh my god! Ervin!?"

Stop making that stupid face!

"Jesus Christ! Whaddya do to Erv-"

* * *

I think I deserve an iced coffee after the day I've had.

... But why do they bother putting a pull-tab on it if it's just going to snap off before the can opens all the way? Maybe I can just push the ta-

Ow! "Shit!"

Bad idea. Let's see how you handle a screwdriver, you little bastard.

 _'You'll have to try harder than that, kid! Ohohohoho!'_

Fuck you! Just open, you little shit!

 _'OWWWWWWW!'_

... That was much more difficult than it ne-

 _'It's... everywhere... so cold...'_

I guess I pushed a little too far with the screwdriver. Pierced right through the bottom, too. No big deal, I'll just get ano-

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

"..."

Deep breaths, Hachiman. Just clean it up, no big deal. You're better than this. Just-

"Onii-san...?"

"... Komachi."

Why are you making that face?

"Is... Is everything, okay? I heard a noise..."

 _'Kid... She looks... so disgusted... with you... Ohoho... hoho...'_

"S-Sorry, Komachi... There was this bug on the wall..."

Actually, I think there's more to it than just 'disgust.'

"I-I just threw my can at it... I-It surprised me, you know? I'll... I'll clean this up, so... please... don't tell Mom and Dad about this... Okay?"

"Okay... I'll be upstairs..."

"L-Let me know if you need something... Okay, Komachi?"

"..."

 _'I think... she's afraid of you... kid... You're a... goddamn monster... Oho... ho..."_

... What am I doing?

* * *

 **N0rmieh8tr: 195**

 **realandspectacular: 341**

Am I playing against Shakespeare!? I bet you're using an online dictionary, you cheating piece of shit!

"... Onii-san?"

Komachi... To be honest, I'd rather not deal with her right now. We weren't exactly close before, but now... I'm sure it's going to be awkward. Seeing your big brother throw a temper tantrum over a beverage can must be disappointing... I'm glad I don't have any older siblings to disappoint me like that.

"You need something?"

"Can I... come in?"

"... Sure."

"..."

Yeah... This is uncomfortable.

"Listen, Koma-"

"What are you playing?"

"... 'Words with Others.'"

"Mmm... never heard of it. How do you play?"

Please, sit. Make yourself comfortable. It's only my room, why would you need to ask?

"... You just spell stuff out. Hard letters like 'J' and 'Q' are worth more than easy stuff like vowels. And there are these multip-"

"Oh! you have 'jonquil.'"

Excuse me? "What?"

"'Jonquil.' J-O-N-Q-U-I-L. Right there."

... 78 points. Maybe I'm just abhorrent at this game.

"Komachi, how do you know a word lik-"

"Grandma and Grandpa sent a postcard a while back! It had a bunch of pretty yellow flowers on it, and Mom said they were 'jonquils.' Heehee _._ "

Wait, make that sound again. What was that? I need to record it.

"So... now what"?"

"That's it. The person with the highest number of points at the end wins."

"..."

Sorry to disappoi-

"So technically... those were my points, right?"

"... What are you talking about?"

"I found the word... so they're my points, right?"

"I don-"

Wait, why are you hugging me!?

"You were in a bind, so I helped you out... I gave you some of my points..."

Let go of me.

"So maybe next time, when you're in trouble... I can lend you some more 'Komachi points...' and you don't have to get so mad..."

Let me go! W-Wait, please don't cry!

 _"_ You were really scary, Onii-san..."

No crying...

"I'm sorry, Komachi..."

"It's okay... just don't do that again..."

Those are definitely your tears, not mine.

"Geez, you're not supposed to cry! You're a boy!"

"I'm not crying. Shut up and wipe your own face."

I'm really not crying, I swear.

"Heehee!"

Dad, I'm sorry. You were right all along. I understand now.

"Thanks, Komachi..."

"Don't mention it, Onii- _chan!_ Oh! I bet I earned a lot of points with that!""

She's precious. Truly the pride of the Hikigaya family.

"Maybe... five-million! Whatdya think, Onii-chan?"

So, when the boys come crawling...

"Hey, don't get greedy, brat!"

 **I'll help you hide the bodies.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - Regret**

What is this feeling?

 **222 unread messages**

I've been ignoring texts for a while now, but I never imagined that the problem would become this severe. 222 messages. Guess the stuff at school really wasn't enough. Am I that fun to provoke? Take your "confessions" and explode, you reptiles! You're all sad and empty!

"…"

Why I can't shake this fuzzy feeling; is it acceptance? It's so warm... Do you think they were just messing around? Friends do that to each other, right? Of course! Pranks like this are reserved for only the best of friends! When this is all over, we should all go out and have a good laugh over it!

"Hehehe..."

"Onii-chan…"

Huh?

"You know… you probably shouldn't sounds like that outside your room…"

"I-It's okay Komachi, I'm just imagining what it's like to be popular!"

Can I take that back? That sounded really depressing.

".. I see."

Stop looking at me like a dying animal.

"It's okay onii-chan, I'll always be here for you."

Komachi, you...

"Kyaa! I bet that was high in Komachi points!"

… spoiled brat.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyways, I've had a long day. Goodnight, Komachi."

"Night night, onii-chan!"

* * *

 **20:03**

I don't think I've ever gone to bed this early before. The past couple weeks have just been too much... Friends? What the hell was I thinking? Between the chalkboard, my desk, my shoes, my locker- especially my locker! The trash they hide in there is getting weirder by the day. It's only a matter of time before they up their game. What if they stuff a rabid ermine inside? Or a bee's nest? Those psychopaths would do it! People don't send 222 messages just to end the ordeal with a slap on the back! They want blood! Those savage beasts!

Calm down. Getting worked up over the situation won't make it go away. Get a good night's sleep and go from there.

" _Oh my gosh! Are you_ _Hikigaya Hachiman!? That guy with 222 friends on MyFace!?"_

" _Bonjour mesdames. Je suis Hikigaya. Would you do me the honor of telling me your names?"_

" _Kyaa! He's so cool!~"_

" _The coolest!~"_

 **BZZZZZZ!**

"..."

" _You know, Hikigaya… I didn't realize you were so popular lately... You have, like, 222 friends on MyFace now…"_

" _Hallo_ _mein Liebling."_

" _You haven't forgotten about me, have you, Hikigaya...?"_

" _Of course not, mi amor. And I thought I told you, it's 'Hachiman.'"_

" _Oh, Hachiman~. You're so coo-"_

 _"HIKIO, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SKANK!?"_

 **BZZZZZZ!**

"..."

 _"Why aren't you getting it!? She doesn't care about you! Are you that stupid!?"_

 _"Shut up! What do you know about relationships anyway!? You can't even manage your own family!"_

 _Wait, I didn't mean that._

 **BZZZZZZ!**

"Me! I'm the coolest!"

"…"

That was a strange set of dreams. But why is it still dark out? What time is it?

 **23:47**

What the hell, why did I wake up at-

 **3 missed calls - Yumi**

That's weird. Why is Yumi calling? There's no way she still thinks we're friends after what I said. She wouldn't call unless it was an emergency...

 _"If you don't wire me ¥500.000.000 by midnight, your precious_ _Yumi won't live to see tomorrow."_

Time to go back to bed. One sheep, two sheep, three she-

 _"The operation's scheduled for next Tuesday... I'm so scared, Hikio! The doctors say there's only a 30% chance of success..."_

She's not dying. Probably.

 _"Hikio! It's double XP weekend! Hurry up, log on!"_

I think calling back is the adult thing to do in this situation. I doubt it's anything serious; besides, you get bonuses for playing as a party. She'll understand.

... I hate premium ringtones. They're supposed to be premium; why is the sound quality always so bad?

 _"_ Hikio...?"

Her voice is trembling... I bet she was playing _The_ _First of Us_ again.

"Yumi, is everything alright? You okay?"

"Hikio... I'm sorry..."

This is definitely backwards. I'm supposed to be the one with the teary apology, and you're the one who tentatively accepts it. 'Hmph! But you owe me, big time!~' Like that.

"I never meant for things to get this bad. You were just... you were making a huge mistake. I had step in. But when you said... _that_ , I just lost it."

Of course you did. I jammed a knife into you and twisted it like a key. It was a shitty thing to do.

"No... it's my fault. Any reasonable person would've done the same. You were only trying to help."

"Yeah, but still... you were excited about this. I should've been happy for you..."

Yumi...

"That's what friends do, they support each other."

Yeah... 'friends.' I don't exactly fit that bill.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, it was a total failure. Couldn't have gone any worse. Guess that's what I get, eh? Haha..."

"It's not funny, Hikio."

"What's not funny about it, Yumi? You were right; she was way out of my league. So now, every morning before school, I clean scraps out of my locker. Everyday in class, they draw me on the chalkboard. Every evening after school, I have to check my shoes for bugs and liquids. I have 222 unread messages from perverts trying to get a rise out of me and to top it off, I screwed my only friend! The only person that cared and now, she's calling me to apologize. Tell me, how is that not funny!? Because if it's not funny, it's something much worse!"

"Hikio..."

"I messed up, Yumi. The stuff at school will go away but you? I'm sorry, Yumi. I'm sorry... I didn't mean it, I was just..."

"You know... it's double XP this weekend on MoonDrape. I could really use some help..."

... How is your health? Are your arms okay? Any upcoming surgeries?

"And, it doesn't sound like you have anything better to do... Plus, it'll take a whole lot more than some sniveling 'I'm sorry!' for me to forgive you. So, at least help me out this weekend, okay?"

You shouldn't forgive me at all, idiot. But I do owe you "big time!~"

"Yeah... it is pretty funny watching you try to grind anything. You're way too impatient."

"Huh!? What the hell would you know about grinding, you stupid permavirgin!? Just log on this weekend! And..."

"... 'And?'"

"You said you have 222 _unread_ messages, right?"

"Yeah."

"When you have a moment... just delete those, okay?"

"Well, obviously. I'm not going to read them all; they're just fake confessions. Maybe just a few, for the heck of it."

"NO! Just delete them... I'm sure some people regret what they wrote... and it's not good hold onto the past like that. Just promise me you'll delete them, okay?"

"... Okay?"

"Good! See you this weekend, Hikio! Goodnight!"

"Night."

 **1:07**

... I can't go back to sleep. Might as well check Thiscord. I haven't logged on in a couple weeks, and maybe it'll help me take my mind off of things.

"..."

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:07

uh Yumi?

is this why you wanted me to delete the messages on my phone?

 **theQueenof10is** 2007/7/10

This message has been deleted.

This message has been deleted.

 **heQueenof10is** Last Friday at 2:02

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 **theQueenof10is** Last Monday at 07:29

This message has been deleted.

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 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:09

i already read them lol

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:09

THNE HIT UUR HEAD UNTIL U FROGET

FIND A HAMMRE AND USE IT

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:09

awww are you the tsundere type?~

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:09

FUKCIGN DIE DEI DIE DIE EID

KILL URSEFL

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:10

too much tsun not enough dere

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:10

CUTN

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:10

woah queens shouldnt use words like that

im gonna check my phone now

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:10

NO U PROIMSED UD DLETE THEM

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:10

i promised id delete the confessions

im reading yours

goodnight~

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:11

hikio its only 12 msgs

its not worht it i swear

ill do wateer u want if u delete them

deal/

pls just dnt read them

this isnt funnny

...

N0rmieh8tr is typing…

...

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:12

wait nothing likke weird tho

i kno u

i ment like a giftr ingame or smth

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:12

so no strip show on cam?

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:12

WTF IS WRONG W/ U

IM 13 U CREEPE

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:12

hey i turn 13 in august

were almost the same age so its fine right?

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:12

GET RUNOVER AND DIE

 **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 1:13

im kidding of course

i reading these no matter what

thanks Yumi~

 **theQueenof10is** Today at 1:13

FCUK U

 **N0rmieh8tr is offline**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 - Anticipation**

Never was there a more perfect condensation of the human condition than John Calvin's 'here today, gone tomorrow'.

Living beings are defined by a fundamental dynamism, spurred by the acknowledgement of a fleeting existence. Though not limited to humans, the consequences of this reality undoubtedly weigh more heavily upon the sapient. In an almost rebellious sense of urgency, many choose to pursue lives outside of their means, 'living life to the fullest' in an attempt to escape the truth. Buying which they cannot afford, pursuing which they cannot have and befriending those with who they hold no common ground are all classical symptoms of this denial. The few who prosper in this farce are deemed 'successful' and enjoy small, yet also fleeting, consolation prizes for their efforts. The many unsuccessful people, in a pitifully cruel irony, are not deemed 'failures;' rather, they are commended for their hard work and encouraged to find solace in the 'journey.'

A misconception most unsuccessful people hold is one of improper correspondence, falling victim to the belief that 'work' and 'reward' are intrinsically related. If a common characteristic of successful and unsuccessful people is 'work,' then it should also be said that laziness is similarly capable of producing both results. The fluidity of life lends itself such that lazy people can get undeservingly rewarded, and hardworking people can get brutally punished. Those who hold 'fairness' as a principle need also revel in ignorance.

Given the random and fallacious nature of the work-reward relationship, it is entirely reasonable to suggest that work is an unnecessary component of the sapient existence.

Therefore, my goal moving forward is to become a house-husband, and to let those with greater ambitions suffer the 'journey' alone.

* * *

"Hikio… what the hell is this?"

"Heh. I assume you're talking about my gritty _magnus opus_? Did you read it?"

"I'm talking about the pile of edgy trash that showed up in my inbox at four in the morning."

Pile of… what? "Hey, I spent hours writing that! I-It's a masterpiece! What's wrong with it!?"

"What's wrong with it!? Are you kidding me!? What's wrong with _you_!? Who stays up until four working on homework before their first day of high school? And what the hell is 'fundamental dynamism?'"

"No no, you see-"

"Are you stupid? That doesn't make any sense! 'The few who prosper in this farce?' Are you actually planning to turn this in?"

"Well… yeah, that was the plan..."

"People are gonna think you're a psychopath!"

"Really!? I do give off that sort of 'dark aura,' don't I? Hehe..."

"I'm not kidding! This is the kinda shit that gets your bag searched before class! It's high school, Hikio, new teachers. They don't know you're just a dumb, edgy kid, yet."

... Do your teachers know how bitchy you are, yet?

"EXCUSE ME!?"

"Ow… I'm kidding, kidding." Mostly. Less than before you read my work, though.

"Whatever, it's too late to do anything about it now. Jesus, why didn't you just write 'I'm not sure' or something like a normal person?"

"Because I _am_ sure. A house-husband is the perfect job for someone of my skill set."

"And what skill set is that? Playing video games and calling people 'randoms?'"

"Try unrivaled loyalty, attentiveness, cooking, cleaning- I'm the whole package, Yumi. One-hundred years from now, young men and boys will look back at me like the Henry Ford of house-husbands. I might even be in textbooks."

"For fuck's sake, Hikio... If we ever meet, remind me to smack you across the head. Maybe it'll knock some sense into you."

"I'll pass. Thanks though."

"Why? You have something to hide?"

"No, it's just-"

"Are you actually fifty and ugly as a platypus?"

Did you have to say that in such a deadpan, 'I wouldn't be surprised if I was right' sort of way? You're at least fifty percent wrong.

"No, I think I'm definitely above average in the looks department." My little sister's opinion has to mean something, right?

"About that, are you ever gonna send a selfie or what?"

Shit, this again? "Are you?"

"No way!"

"Well, there's your answer." Moving on-

"That's different, though; I'm a girl! It's way riskier for me to send something than a boy."

Are you a wanted criminal or something? Worried I might steal your eye, Katashi-sensei?

"You have nothing to lose, just send one! I might even send one back... you know, eventually..."

"Tempting but no." What do you have to lose that I don't? The Darlingan, perhaps? Besides, I'd rather think I'm a catch even if I'm not.

"I-I mean, not to brag or anything,"

Uh-huh. 'I'm not blah-blah, but...'

"but I'm a knockout, Hikio. Boys bother me enough IRL. The last thing I need is my gaming buddy drooling all over me."

'I mean, not to brag or anything~,' but I'm pretty sure you were bragging just now. "I can assure you there would be no moisture problems on my end."

"... Do you even listen to yourself before you talk? 'Moisture problems?' Really? How gross can you get? Do you say stuff like that IRL?"

"What? Would _you_ have 'moisture problems' if... I..." Okay, I see your point. Even I thought that was creepy.

"..."

' **Achievement Unlocked: Sexual Harassment** '

"Sorry..."

"A-Anyways, I have to get going now. I'm meeting up with some friends before school, so, talk to you later?"

"Yeah, I should be on this weekend. Later, Yumi."

"Bye, Hikio."

I guess I should get going, too. It's over an hour before school actually starts, but I'm so hyper I can hardly contain myself. As childish as it seems, I'm pretty excited for my first day. Wish me luck, Kamakura!

" _Hissssss!_ "


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Sweet Dreams**

 _I think I have everything. Phone, wallet, house key..._

" _Meow!"_

" _Not now, Kamakura." Pencils, paper…_

" _Meow!"_

" _Kamakura, shut up." Pens, bike lock…_

" _Meow!"_

" _What!?"_

 _Oh, we're outside._

" _..."_

 _SHIT! "Kamakura, get back here!"_ _This isn't a game, you stupid cat!_ _Stop checking to see if I'm still chasing you! "Stop!" If something bad happens to you, I won't have a home anymore!_

* * *

I can't believe I forgot to close the door.

'Wish me luck, Kamakura?' Mom and Dad must have fumigated the house without telling me. That, or excessive electronics use finally fried my brain with a side of fava beans. No wait, that'd be my liver… Either way, I was certainly not right of mind when I made that request.

The gods of facetiousness practically live for moments like that: some desperate idiot meanders along, spouting stupid crap like, 'I sure hope I do well on this test,' and POW! 36%.

I might as well have said, 'I really hope I don't get stabbed in the eye today.' At least an eye scar would've rounded out the disheveled look I'm going for. What's the worst that could've happened? I lose an of an eye, maybe some minor hemorrhaging? I bet people who get stabbed in the eye lead very fulfilling lives, doing seminars for other young people who want cool scars of their own. 'My eye scar was the product of dumb luck, but today, and today only, I'm offering all of you my patented scarring knives for only ¥50.000 each!' Lucky bastards.

Joking aside, my interest in aesthetic body mutilation has dwindled since this morning. Going to the hospital again just isn't worth it. The pain is unbearable, I'm surrounded by sick people and no one worth knowing is attracted to a broken leg. 'I-Is that a… c-c-c-compound fracture!? L-Let me touch it… PLEASE!'

"No! It's my leg!"

"..."

"Is everything okay, Hikigaya-san?"

"... Yeah, sorry about that."

"No worries, that was quite the little accident you had. You're lucky it was just a leg!"

Gee willikers, Mr. Doctor, I sure feel lucky!

"You'll be fine in no time, though. It was a very minor fracture. Plus, when you go back to school, you can have all your friends sign your cast! How cool is that?"

Hot dog! All of them? Are you sure there'll be enough space? You might as well plaster both legs while you're at it! It'd make for one hell of an icebreaker: 'Hey, we've never met before. Wanna write your name on my legs? I promise I'll cherish it forever.' I want to die just thinking about it.

"... Y-Yeah, that sounds really... really neat."

"We called your parents and informed them of the accident. They should be stopping by sometime soon to sort out the insurance and such. You know, paperwork, yada yada. The grownup stuff you youngsters shouldn't have to worry about."

Oh good, I was worried they were going to comfort me or something. They'll do the paperwork, instead? Wow, really dodged a bullet there. I just hope that the driver doesn't feel too responsible. As far as people who ram their cars into children and cats go, he was pretty considerate. Bringing that stupid cat back inside was greatly appreciated. At the very least, he didn't just hit the windshield wipers and keep going.

"Alright, Hikigaya-san, is there anything you need before I go?"

"Huh...? Whuh...?"

Guess the pain medicine and boredom from listening to this idiot are finally starting to kick in...

* * *

 _"Bwahahaha! You're too late, Hachio and Princess Yumigi! Pubcon is mine!"_

 _'Princess Yumigi?' What the hell? And what are you wearing? It's like someone beat Yirdo to death with a Boshi._

" _Soon, all of Pubcon will be rid of its disgusting fruit! History will belong to me! Bwahahaha!"_

 _No seriously, who wears a baseball cap with a ball gown? It's embarrassing being seen with you. And isn't the frog supposed to hate vegetables? Who hates fruit?_

" _Hachio, hurry up! Just throw fruit at the fucking thing until it dies!"_

 _... How did you become 'princess' of anything? "Okay, whatever. Let's just get this over with. Hand me an apple."_

 _"Huh!? Is my Thane retarded!?"_

 _"Yumigi, what are you talking-"_

 _"As housecarl of the Hachiborn, it's my sworn duty to guard you or something; but, mess up my name again, and you'll have thirty-five inches of Nordic steel up your ass. It's Yumia, got it?"_

 _"Sure, Yumia. Just get me a goddamn apple!"_

 _"It's hardly the time for an apple, you dumb ass thane! Like, kill the fucking dragon first!"_

 _Oh, the frog turned into a fire-breathing dragon. Wonderful. If I had more than a wooden sword and my underwear, I'd probably try something heroic. Maybe._

 _"I'm a bit under-equipped to deal with a dragon at the moment, Yumia! Can't you do something!?"_

 _"Just yell at it, you useless thane!"_

 _"Fus... RO CHUUU!" ... That's not at all what I meant to say._

 _"Hikichu, are you okay!?"_

 _"Hiki...? [Huh?] HIKI!? [_ _What's wrong with my voice?_ _]"_

 _"What's that? You wanna fight something until one of you loses consciousness?"_

 _"HIKI! [HELL NO!] HIKI, HIKI! [FUCK YOU!]"_

 _"Alright! I'm feeling it too, buddy! Look! A Granyte!"_

 _"HIKIII!? [What the hell!? That's a big snake made of rock!]"_

 _"Hikichu, use Lightning Bolt!"_

 _... So, my options are get smashed to death by the Granyte if I fight, or suffer her complaining if I run away. If only it were a more difficult decision._

 _"Hi-ki-CHAN!" What now!?_

 _"ONII-CHAN!"_

* * *

... I hear sniffling.

"Komachi...?"

"Onii-chan...?"

Boy, that's quite the hug my little sister has. It must be tangible proof of her love and- Actually, i-it's starting to get really- "Ack! K-Komachi... You're hurting me!"

"Stupid, idiot, Onii-chan! What were thinking!?"

"That if Kamakura died, my days were similarly numbered... Ow! What was that for?"

"Don't joke about things like that! When I saw the ambulance in front of our house... and you on the stretcher... They wouldn't even let me in the room until now! What was I supposed to think!?"

"Sorry." It wasn't a joke, though. Mom loves that furball.

"..."

"For what it's worth, the doctor said it's just a minor fracture. It should be fine in a few weeks."

"..."

"Want to sign it?"

"... Wouldn't it look funny?"

"I think your penmanship is pretty good. Better than mine, at least."

"No, I meant, wouldn't it look funny having a cast with only one signature?"

"..." At least she's smiling now.

"I can if you want, but the last thing I want to do is make my Onii-chan look like some friendless delinquent. Oh, I bet that was worth a lot of points!"

If anyone other than you said that, they'd need a cast, too. "Yeah, yeah. Thanks for checking up on me, Komachi. How are Mom and Dad?"

"Well... They don't really _show_ it... but, I think they're worried about you... Deep down."

"I think they're more worried about the GMW that hit me." Don't worry, Dad, my soft, fleshy body didn't damage the car. I even buffed the front with my shirt like you showed me. Only for a split second, though.

"Hehe..."

"... Anyway, I'm getting pretty tired again. You can stay if you want, but I'm going to try to get some more sleep."

"Okay, Onii-chan. I'll stay until Mom and Dad are done in the lobby. Sweet dreams!"

* * *

 _"Hikio.~"_

 _Dammit, where are the other notes!?_

 _"Oh, Hikiooo.~"_

 _I gotta get out of here! Where are they!? I only need two more!_

 _"Hikio.~"_

 _Not good, not good, not good!-_

 _"Hey, Hikio..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _"..."_

 _Maybe if I just-_

" **DON'T TURN AROUND** **!** "

 _"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 - High School Life**

'Oh boy! It's the weekend! There's so much stuff I want to do today! I could go for a run, play ball, hang out with all the new friends I made at school! I'm so happy with my life right now, and it's only been one week since school started!'

Students whose minds entertain thoughts of that nature need to incarcerated.

I recognize that my claim could be mistaken for one of 'envy,' but rest assured, it is simply concern for the future of our species. Just think about the social evolution of humans. In the Stone Age, students like that would have been the ones to test the edibility of new foods. 'Reckless pioneers,' if you will, with no concern for the future. As a society, should we really be allowing people like that to flourish? In my opinion, the ones who understood 'eat berry, me die' are far more worthy of consideration.

But, that's not how life works. Instead, I'm stuck in a hospital playing old PNP games.

[hey~ :)] 12:07

An angel! Please, relieve me of this boredom!

[just wanted to let u kno i wont be on til 2nite. hanging out w/ friends atm !] 12:07

12:08 [eat berry go die]

[wat] 12:08

[tell me aobut it later hikio ok? g2g!‹3] 12:08

In the Stone Age, people like me probably ended up as wolf food. I wonder if modern wolves would be willing to oblige...

* * *

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

I never really understood the logic behind that romantic idiom until I saw my computer setup for the first time in three weeks. It was difficult to suppress the urge to cry as all the little details came flooding back to me. The power button that only worked on the right side, the keyboard I spilled coffee on twice, the worn out mouse pad that needed to be replaced. The flaws that were usually a source of grief were somehow more comforting than new a unit with better specs. Like eating a home-cooked meal versus restaurant food.

Truthfully, my stay at the hospital wasn't too bad. Komachi visited after school when she could and brought things like my PNP and manga. Just having someone to talk to was a nice distraction from the gloom and doom of the hospital. Mom visited on the weekends to drop-off homework and checkup on me, though it felt more like a task on a to-do list at times. We basically had nothing to talk about.

Then there was Yumi. I probably spoke with her the most, as she called every night for to see how I was doing. As far as she knows, I had an unspecified 'accident' that made it impossible to play for the duration of my recovery. Getting hit by a car didn't seem like something to brag about. She kept me up to date with game news, the 'stupid tramps' and 'hotties' at school, homework. Fortunately, our homework was similar, so we were able to work on most of it together. I'm definitely getting a higher grade on my writing assignment, though. Yumi just doesn't understand the complex machinations of fine literature.

* * *

Soubu High School Grade 10, Class F

Hikigaya Hachiman

Mutualism is a crime against nature.

Organisms that engage in mutualism are robbed of their independence and identity as a species. In extreme cases like obligate relationships, where participants are forced to entrust their lives to one another, I'm sure it weighs heavily upon those involved knowing that their life may cease due to no fault of their own. Hence, mutualistic relationships are ones of fear and necessity, not mutual respect and appreciation.

Understanding the practical and social dangers of mutualism, it is my belief that commensalism is the pinnacle of symbiosis. A relationship in which one party benefits and the other is unharmed is the ideal relationship to pursue. It does not operate under the false pretense of fairness, nor does it dictate the lives of both organisms involved.

Therefore, I follow the teachings of the remora. Attached to sharks and safe from predators, they lead harmless lives free of worry. When its host is no longer able to provide for it, the remora can simply detach itself and seek new companionship without regard for the previous shark.

In short, I aspire to be a remora.

* * *

They say, 'Every time you sigh, a little bit of happiness escapes.' For the person in front of me, that was most certainly the case.

"Hikigaya, just because your eyes are reminiscent of a lazy fish, doesn't mean your way of life has to reflect one as well."

The tiredness with which she spoke almost instilled a sense of guilt in me for writing such a paper. It was akin to a parent scolding a child for doing something they were warned not to do.

"At this rate, you're going to sprout gills from your neck. Have you learned nothing from our previous meetings?"

"I think gills would be a beneficial mutation nowadays. When the ice caps melt and the sea level rises, people like me are going to be in high demand."

The life in her eyes faded further as I spoke. For whatever reason, a beautiful older woman staring at me like a piece trash was an experience more exciting than I cared to admit. A part of me wanted to try provoking her more, but the idea quickly died when I heard her cracking her knuckles.

" **Take this seriously, Hikigaya.** "

Danger! Her once painfully seductive expression had morphed into a truly frightening visage; a warning that my next words needed to be chosen carefully.

"I-I feel as though I addressed the p-prompt adequately. W-Was there a-anything specific that needed improvement?"

My voice cracked. I wasn't prepared to defend my life after class. This was a hostile negotiation!

"Your biology teacher asked for a comparison of the three types of symbiosis, not social commentary! What were you hoping to accomplish by turning this in!?"

"To address the flaws of mutualism and foster an understanding of why commensalism is the superior form of interaction that all humans should strive for."

After scratching her head and gathering her thoughts, she said, "You know, it's not that I don't understand where you're coming from. You're at that age where the cynical and avant garde are most appealing, but please, try to reserve those opinions for when they're appropriate."

What followed was an uneasy silence; the type where you'd like to ask, 'So, am I free to leave?" but your instincts won't let you.

"Say, do you have any friends?"

"Yeah, one."

... Saying that made me want to die. Why did I say 'one' so proudly!?

"I see."

Her motherly eyes and somber smile that screamed, 'It's okay, I'll support you no matter what,' were almost too much for me to handle.

"In the future, try having him read through your assignments before you turn them in, okay?"

"... S-She's not really the type to appreciate the effort that goes into writing. To be honest, it's completely demoralizing having her read my papers."

Hiratsuka-sensei was the kind of person who could have an entire conversation without saying a word. Right now, she was obviously confused about something, but before I could ask what the problem was, someone interrupted us:

"Hey, Hiratsuka-sensei, can I have my phone back now?"


	9. Chapter 9

****Chapter 9 - Chance Encounter****

Our minds are under attack.

Saturation and overexposure to media have desensitized our brains to the world around us. We don't care about anything unless we can re-Chirp it or like it on MyFace. For example, if a brutally mangled body were to be left on the sidewalk, right in the middle of foot traffic, I'd estimate that it'd take at least 50 pedestrians stepping over and around it before the authorities were notified of a disturbing selfie uploaded to Snapgram.

Even more prominent than violence is sex. Just think of all the beautiful, happy people you've seen on television. What were formerly characteristics of exceptional individuals have now become the standards by which we judge all human aesthetics. Height, muscles, jawline, eyes, bust, waist, legs, hair: nothing less than perfection survives in advertising and entertainment. This repulsive standard of excellence subsequently bled into reality, where people now strive to 'improve' their average physical appearances rather than fix their ugly personalities. For most, it's a losing battle on both ends.

"Hey, Hiratsuka-sensei, can I have my phone back now?"

The person who disrupted our conversation was nothing of the sort.

Hair, blonde as a field of wheat kissed by the sun just before harvesting. Her eyes were green, beautiful, deep and fierce. Or maybe hazel? A hime cut with little ringlets draped over her shoulders accentuated the curves of her face and magnified the already blazing intensity of her eyes. God, her eyes were incredible. And the coarseness with which she spoke could've evoked masterpieces from the likes of Stravinsky.

I almost couldn't resist the urge to introduce myself and get rejected on the spot.

"Uh... h-hey..."

"Huh? You say something?"

"H-How's it... going...?"

"Speak up and stop mumbling if you're gonna say something!"

"..."

"Whatever, creep... Anyways, Hiratsuka-sensei, my phone?"

... I ran out of air. If I hadn't forgotten how to breathe, I'm sure we could've had a nice conversation.

"Yes, yes, Miura, one second."

'Miura.' As my brain transferred the name from short- to long-term memory, I couldn't help but notice a certain spark in Hiratsuka-sensei's eyes. Guess she was bad at dealing with pushy girls, too.

"Actually, Miura, before I give you your phone back, could I ask you to read this?"

WHAT!?

"I guess... Wait, like, what is this?"

What are you doing, you hag!?

"This makes no sense. A remora? What kinda idiot wrote this?"

"That kind of idiot."

The finger Hiratsuka-sensei pointed at me might as well have been a .44 Magnum: 'the most powerful handgun in the world' and capable of 'blowing my head clean off.' I knew that, without a shred of doubt, I wanted to die.

"Eh? I guess it makes a little more sense now. I mean, he totally looks like a fish."

"... This bitch."

"HUH!?"

'HUH!?' indeed. That wasn't supposed to come out. It was just a natural reaction, I swear!

"Listen freak, you're pissing me off. This paper, it's totally trash! Ya hear me? Trash! Don't get mad at _me_ , just because _you_ can't write!"

Her words did little to contradict the scathing expression on her otherwise beautiful face. If anything, though, her eyes became even more captivating as she berated me. I needed to research that feeling later; there had to be a name for it.

"Like, I bet you spent hours writing this shit and thought you'd get a medal or something; am I right? God, people like you piss me off!"

"T-That's it? Two words? That's all it takes to piss you off? What would you do for three words? Something erotic? You certainly look the part."

I'm not sure if it was her bitchy attitude, Hiratsuka-sensei's stupid giggling, or my desire to talk to her more; but somehow, I responded in kind to her slew of attacks. I just hoped my life wouldn't end when this over... and maybe, we could do this again sometime...?

"You FUCKING creep!"

Yeah... maybe not.

"Go fucking die or something! Hiratsuka-sensei, you hear what this 'thing' said to me!?"

'Yeah, what the fuck, Sensei? Didn't you, like, fucking hear what the fuck this fuck just fucking said to me?' Are you listening to yourself? Are you so mad that you can't think properly? If you said that to anyone other than Hiratsuka-sensei, you'd be halfway to Norway by now. And stop laughing, your students are having a conflict. Help us!

"Alright you two, calm down. I just wanted to know what someone else your age thought of your paper. I didn't think it'd turn into bloodbath. Here's your phone, Miura."

I didn't think girls actually said 'Hmph!' outside of novels and anime. It would've been cute if I didn't think she'd throw me overboard into the Pacific.

"Hiratsuka-sensei, what was that?"

"What do you mean, Hikigaya?"

"You know what I mean..."

"I'm afraid I don't, Hikidaya. Like I said, I was just curious what someone your own age thought of your writing. That's all."

"..."

"It certainly wasn't because I'm running out of ideas how to fix that rotten attitude of yours. So, please, just keep writing these shitty essays, Hikigaya. I'm always having to confiscate things from students in class; maybe I can invite even more editors next time. What do you think?"

T-That's blackmail!

"In fact, I know of the perfect little group to critique 'art' like this. Do you know Minami Sagami?"

"... no." The resulting sound was more similar a squeak than an actual word. Something the kids in middle school would've surely called me 'Hiki-mouse-a' for.

"Well, she's a popular girl. Cute, too. How's that sound, Hikigaya? Do you think we have room for five more in here? Her group's always trading and using makeup in class; it'd be easy as shooting fish in a barrel, Hikigaya. **Just imagine it.** "

STOP! Please! Money, drugs, children: whatever your price! Please, just stop! Whispering it like that only makes it scarier!

"Eh... I-I'd really prefer it if it was just us. You're a good counselor, a-and I'd rather not dilute your teachings by including other people, y-you know?"

"..."

Was the Hiratsuka route unlocked or something?

Her fists resembled hands now, and her once sadistic glare mellowed out into something akin to a smile. It was quite the transformation, really.

"You know, counselors don't get that much appreciation, from students _or_ superiors. It's nice to hear it once in a while... Even if it's only because you were trying to save your own hide."

"Maybe I was exaggerating a little, but I really do enjoy having you read my essays. It's nice to know that a teacher... uh, cares."

"Of course, you can't write stuff that like and expect me not to punch-ish you!"

Ignoring the not-so-soft blow she administered to my arm, was that really the kind of humor she enjoyed? She'd have five husbands by now if she stopped making jokes like that. Maybe seven if she stopped punching kids and smoking.

She placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "Listen, I was kidding about Sagami. Miura's phone just happened to go off in class; so, just take it easy on the commentary stuff, okay?"

Her motherly stare and gentle touch made it impossible to decline. It made me feel truly sorry for being alive.

"... Okay."

"Atta boy. Make sure to redo the assignment properly, too!"

Pain in the ass...

* * *

[hey hikio cqn we talk?] 15:49

[shittiest day of shcool ever] 15:49

[need 2 talk 2 someone b4 i lose my fkn mibd] 15:49

15:53 [sure]

15:54 [should i call now?]


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 - Fool Me Once**

"Hello?"

"Hikio, are all boys our age assholes!?"

"I'm doing well, thanks for asking."

"Be serious!"

"Okay, okay... Maybe?"

She practically growled at my answered. How was it my fault that she liked people and I didn't?

"Why, did something happen?"

"Yeah, get this. After school today, the teacher asked me to help this moron with his homework. I tried to, like, tell him he was doing it wrong, and he totally blew up on me! You know, after I went out of my way to help him!"

"What did he say?"

"He called me a bitch! Can you believe that!? And a slut! God, I just wanted to snap his fucking neck!"

"... You didn't say that to him, right?"

"Of course not! The teacher was, like, right there."

That wasn't the purest of the reasons, but at least she didn't say it.

"Well, he sounds like asshole."

"He was! And that stupid face of his. Everything about it was stupid, Hikio. He was, like, begging to get punched! Right in his stupid face!"

"Yes, I get it, he had a stupid face. I'm sorry you had to look at an ugly person."

"... I said stupid, not ugly."

"So, what? Was he a supermodel?"

"Shut up! I mean... I guess he wasn't, like, a total monster, you know?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't. Would you care to explain?"

"Why're you being so annoying!? I'm trying to say he was, you know... okay looking... I guess... well, he was until he opened his fat mouth!"

"Sounds like someone has a wittle crush."

"Shut the fuck up, Hikio! Jesus, I'm just bad at dealing with creeps like that, okay?"

"Sorry, I couldn't help it. I'm not sure why you're so stressed, though. You're the one with the leverage."

"What are talking about? You're not making any sense."

"Think about it: you're a high school girl, and he's a high school boy. Who do you think holds the power?"

"Just tell me!"

"High school boys are stupid, Yumi. All you have to do is give him a compliment, a slight nudge, maybe a wink, and he'll be like putty in your hands."

"Yeah? While I'm at it, why don't I just pull down his pants and suck him off, too!"

Was she outside? Yelling something like that in public seemed like a bad idea.

"Girls who do things like that are the worst, Hikio. Don't ever fall for a bitch like that, okay?"

"You know me, I'll take who I can get. But, I thought we were talking about your love life, not mine."

"Stooop!"

"My bad, it's just that I never get to tease you about anything."

"It's not something to joke about!"

"I know, I know... How are you feeling now?"

"Better, thanks. But seriously though, cut that shit out. I don't feel anything for the creep; he's totally weird."

"Just remember to invite me to the wedding."

"HIKIO!"

* * *

When people think of thieves, I'm sure most think of a masked caricature with a large bag hanging over his shoulder. Another popular interpretation is the early twentieth-century American gangster, complete with pinstripe suit, fedora, and Tommy gun.

"Come on... just give me the coffee. It's right on the edge-"

Personally, I think of vending machines.

I especially thought that of the machine in front of me after it ate my last coins.

"Talking to a vending machine? I'm totally not surprised, no wonder you're such a creep."

From an outsider's perspective, I was definitely invading the machine's personal space. I internally begged her to no report me to the authorities.

"I'm just trying to get what I paid for."

"Gross, you totally sounded like one of those perverts you see in the news. Gross."

"You know what I meant."

"Well, serves you... Actually, wait. Gimme a sec."

After shuffling through far more contents than her small bag should've been able to hold, she presented a can of iced coffee. I guess she was the type that gloated in victory.

"Here, take it. It should still be fine; I bought it this morning."

"... What's the catch?"

People didn't just give away iced coffee, especially to people they disliked. The can's dimensions looked correct, the label didn't have any flaws, no errors or signs of tampering... Still, it was comparable to accepting candy from a stranger in a van: bad idea.

"Nothing, I just bought the wrong one. I was gonna throw it away, but you're totally like a trash can, right?"

 _'Hey kid, I lost my puppy? Wanna help me find it?'_ I wasn't a proud person, but I had more than enough pride to reject this bitch.

"Thanks, but I really don't-"

"Stop being annoying and take it! Just pay me back later!"

 _'Okay! What color is he?'_ On the other hand, I was thirsty.

"... Thanks."

The temperature of the beverage was tepid, unfortunately, but free was free. Maybe she was less of a bitch than I thought. When she payed for her drink, however, the machine made two crashing sounds instead of the usual one.

"Yeah, same to you. Thanks."

"Did you...?"

"'Did I?' You'll have to be more specific."

The singsong way in which she spoke complimented her shit-eating grin. She wore it as naturally as a rubber man wore a straw hat.

"Did you know both cans would fall?"

"Obviously, dumbass, this machine does that all the time. Like anyone would just give you a drink."

 _Bitchus giganteus_ : that was the new scientific name I coined for her species. _Bitchus giganteus_. Even if her laugh could cure sorrow, it didn't justify her deception.

As she walked way, she mentioned, "I like lemon tea, got it? Be here the same time tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah."

As I opened the drink and took a sip, it was hard to ignore the subtle lemony scent that pervaded the can.

"Magnolia...?"

"Huh!?"

"Nothing, just reading the label."

Warm iced coffee with magnolia blossom perfume... I wanted another.

* * *

"I'm not asking; I'm telling you to stay away from him!"

"He's the one coming up to me. Don't like it? Then fix those stupid bangs of yours."

"W-What!?"

"He probably thinks you're entering a dog show or something. Like, does he even know you're a girl?"

"Y-You fucking bitch!"

"I mean, even with all that makeup and padding, I still get totally weirded out seeing you in the girl's bath-"

I wasn't really sure what I was waiting for, but the resulting slapping sounds were my queues to go on stage.

"Fucking slut-"

"Excuse me, I'd like to buy a drink. Could you please move?"

Miura and the other girl had their fists in each other's hair while the beginnings of sizable welts were forming on their faces. The other girl came across as stronger, or at least got the luckier hit, as Miura also had a slight trickle of blood down the corner of her mouth.

"Get lost, I'm trying to teach this bitch some manners!"

I had never seen anything so brutal in real life before. Strands of hair were flying everywhere, Miura's head got slammed into the vending machine display. Girls were terrifying when they fought with one another.

"S-Sorry, but I'm really thirsty, here. Do you think you could move for just a second?"

"I'll fucking kill you, you stupid cunt!"

The situation wasn't going to end well if it were allowed to continue. If a teacher got involved, both girls would face expulsion, no questions asked. I had to be serious.

"Fucking- What the hell!?"

She was much heavier than she looked; at least, it felt that way when she tripped on my rib cage and stumbled over me.

"What the fuck are you-"

"PLEASE! I'M DYING OF THIRST HERE! JUST DYING! I HAVE TO GET A DRINK NOW OR I'LL SERIOUSLY DIE!"

Face to the ground in a kneeling bow, and pleading for a drink like my life depended on it. I hoped a mugger would stab and kill me on my way home today. I had never done anything so embarrassing before; I seriously wanted to die!

"Hey, shut up. A teacher's gonna-"

"IT'S MY FAVORITE! I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT MY FAVORITE DRINK! I JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, I HAVE TO!"

"Seriously, freak, shut up!"

"I'LL DO ANYTHING, ANY-"

The kick to my already sore ribs induced a crushing pain unlike any other. The hit on Miura wasn't a lucky shot; that girl was strong!

"Fucking idiot! This isn't over, bitch!"

It wasn't cleanest operation, nor was it one of my proudest moments, but the other girl finally left. It only cost me three or four ribs and the sliver of pride I had left.

"..."

"So, you want that lemon tea now-"

"What the fuck was that?"

"That's a weird way to show gratitude. Here."

After offering Miura the can of tea, we both sat on the floor to take a well deserved breather. She stared intently at the top of drink, mindless picking at the pull tab for the soothing 'clicks' and 'clanks' that it made.

"... You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?"

"The only person I talk to here is Hiratsuka-sensei, and that's only because she can't appreciate the makings of a future author."

"... She got you pretty good. Are you...? You know."

"Yeah, about that, does she play soccer something? That wasn't a normal kick."

"... You don't know anything about girls, do you? We kick hard."

"Understood."

"... If you're expecting a 'thank you' or something, forget it."

"Can I call her back, then? That was seriously the most embarrassing I've ever done."

"..."

"Sorry, I was just kid-"

My thoughts were interrupted by a foreign a sensation on my cheek, softer and warmer than anything I had ever felt before.

"... You tell **anyone** about this, you're **dead!** Got it!?"

"..."

Hot, burning, searing, scorching: as Miura casually got up and disappeared from view, I was still attached to the floor. I couldn't bring myself to move. My side throbbed, my head was on fire, my heart was exploding, and I'm sure my expression at that moment was very regrettable. Fortunately, no else walked by.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 - No Rest for the Wicked**

"What the hell are you doing!?"

 **downtownpresbrown finally killed YOU**

"Can you hear me?" _'Doctor, will he make-'_

"Hikio, this isn't really working. What's wrong with your mic?"

"Are you sure it's my mic?" _'I'm sorry, ma'am, we… we did everything we could, it's just…'_

"You sound like a robot, just type."

 _'the cord was just too frayed…'_

Goddamnit, Kamakura.

Cats are mysterious creatures. People, primarily non-cat owners, frequently have this romantic notion that cats are these distant but caring creatures that brighten up the lives of those around them. Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, they thrive on naps and occasional chin scratches. Nothing bothers a cat more than doting on its every move. Independent and proud, a proper feline would never subject itself to feelings like 'obligation' or 'remorse'. Cat owners can spend their entire lives housing, feeding, and loving their pets, but the moment that dinner fails to appear, so will the cat. In short: expect nothing but the worst from cats. They are useless, thankless furballs.

In my case, Kamakura, the cat whose life I risked my own for, took it upon himself to chew on my headset cord while I was at school. When I discovered the gruesome scene, he made no effort to present himself in a regretful or apologetic manner. Not even a dead bird or mouse to show he cared. Rather, he went about his usual greeting of meowing and asking for a snack: tail arched, eyes bright, and conscience clear. His admittedly cute eyes and mews of hunger almost projected a sense of guilt, but years of cat experience had taught me better. With a heavy hand and heart of stone, I removed him from my room and locked the door. It was my hope that hunger would serve as his teacher.

Initially, the plan was to let him starve for a few weeks, maybe a month, and see if he had learned his lesson. After running the plan by Komachi, though, she promptly gave him a double portion of food and hasn't talked to me since. I'm pretty sure the loud purr he emitted while stuffing his face was the cat equivalent of a big middle finger, while Komachi scratched his back and ignored my presence entirely. I should've let him become a GMW Katzekuchen. A 'catcake,' that was pretty funny, me!

I really liked that headset, too. It was pretty old and not very good to begin with, but it fit my head like a glass slipper. No knife necessary. The thought of replacing it brought me great anxiety, as they didn't make the exact model anymore, and ¥5.000 was a lot of money. I saved so many weeks' worth of allowance just to buy that thing.

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:34_

 _my stupid cat messed up my headset cord_

"Wait, you have a cat? Send me a pic. I wanna see it!"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:35_

 _cant_

 _my sister wont let me near him_

"Why not?"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:35_

 _you dont want to know_

"... Hikio... I know, like, girls won't talk to you... but-"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:35_

 _fuck off_

 _i just wanted him to understand what he did was wrong_

"You were totally gonna do something stupid, weren't you?"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:36_

 _is anyone going to take my side in this?_

"Of course not, you're being stupid! It's a cat, it doesn't know any better!"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:36_

 _i guess not_

Deep down, I knew I was being childish. Just like I had left the front door open when he escaped, I left my room open during school and Kamakura took advantage. He was a little shit, no doubt, but trying to get revenge was pointless... to an extent that Komachi and Mom didn't have to know about. I was still going to poke him during his naps until I felt ¥5.000 worth of justice. 'No rest for the wicked' after all.

Now, despite my grumbling and complaining, I technically had a backup headset. The nice man who drove 2000 kilograms worth of steel into my leg was really distraught and felt rather bad about the ordeal, even though it was all my fault to begin with. He asked if I played video games, and dropped it off one day while I was still at the hospital. I accepted it reluctantly, because he threatened to come back with something nicer if it 'wasn't enough,' but I never really paid it much attention. It was still in the box and plastic bag he brought it in, as using it would be like acknowledging that he held some amount of sin in my accident. My principles wouldn't allow that.

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:37_

 _do you have any suggestions for a good headset?_

"Mmm... I've used this one for a couple years. It's kinda 'meh,' but I'm too lazy to replace it. Plus, it's super cute!"

 **'Expensive! Headphones! Fighting! Nicesu!'**

Advertisers were getting lazy with their descriptions.

The link Yumi sent bothered me for a couple of reasons. First, and most importantly, the headset was ¥28.000, on sale from ¥32.000. Was she rich? I'd never buy one that expensive even if I won the lottery. Unless the sound penetrated your brain in four dimensions, how was it worth it? Second, there were these pink antenna-shaped things that came out top. What function they served was lost on me, but someone unfortunate enough to be caught wearing this headset could be easily mistaken for a pink-haired psychic. Perhaps that was the driving force behind the excessive cost; it granted you the power to destroy the planet in three days!

I had to be a little careful with my wording. Due to the lack of verbal communication on my end, my usual subtle inflections weren't there to contextualize my thoughts. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I also had to make it clear that I was looking for something aesthetically and economically different. I had the perfect approach:

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:38_

 _do you know of one that looks less stupid?_

"Eh!? Anything's gonna look stupid on you, Hikio! Don't blame it on the headset."

... but of course, it didn't work. Yumi wasn't exactly the type to mix her words, so I thought the direct approach made the most sense. Miura may have been right when she said I didn't understand girls...

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:38_

 _i meant less stupidly expensive_

My correction wasn't a complete lie, but pink balls on black hair was a fashion faux pas even I hoped to avoid.

"Oh, uh... Like, not really...? I have a couple others here, but I think they're all at least ¥15.000. My dad works for an electronics company, so I get a big discount. It totally kicks ass!"

Was 'vomiting with envy' an accepted idiom? I really wanted to throw up when I heard that.

"I'll ask my dad about headsets later. What's your budget?"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:39_

 _5000 give or take_

"... We're talking about headsets, Hikio, not candy."

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:39_

 _sorry but my daddy doesnt work for an electronics company_

 _you can get a good one for 5000_

"Yeah, but they're all plain looking! You can't find any cute ones under, like, ¥10.000."

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:39_

 _who cares?_

 _i dont want to spend any more than that_

"Whatever, I'll ask him about _ugly_ headsets when he gets home, just for you."

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:40_

 _thanks_

 _should we keep playing?_

 _i have another headset i can use but id really prefer not to_

"Huh!? Why don't you want to use it?"

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:40_

 _its a long story_

"Just use it! We got fucked last game, because I was stuck with 'Hikibot!'"

... I mean, I already accepted the gift anyway, right? It would've been rude not to use it, and it's not like the guy had bad intentions... I wasn't going to donate it to charity or something. If anything, it would've stayed inside the box and eventually been put inside a bigger box for storage. Like that movie, with boxes instead of dreams.

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:40_

 _one sec_

After grabbing the bag and pulling out the dream, I noticed that he wrapped it very skillfully. All the corners were tight and the end folds were parallel and perpendicular. I felt pretty bad for not recognizing his efforts until now, but on the other hand, it was exciting opening a gift in September.

Unfortunately, he was the kind of wrapper to put tape on everything. The seams were impenetrable, and the paper was too taught to simply tear.

While walking to the kitchen to get a pair of scissors, I noticed Komachi and Kamakura resting on the couch. He was enjoying a torso massage, or 'tummy rub' for the nauseating cat apologists, and Komachi was reading a fashion magazine. I almost wanted to apologize to her, but the look on his smug, fat face as she scratched all the right places prevented me from doing so. 'Enjoy it while you can,' I thought, because he wasn't getting naps while I was still around.

The scissors made quick work of the wrapping paper, and as I peeled back the top, I couldn't help but notice the flashy words and graphics:

 **'Expensive! Headphones! Fighting! Nicesu!'**

"..."

 _ **N0rmieh8tr** Today at 22:45_

 _k i opened the stupid box_

 _drivers are downloading_

"Well, how is it? Try saying something."

"Something."

"..."

"My bad-"

"Say something longer."

"Uh... the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

"..."

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just... you're a lot clearer now... That's all. You're last headset was kinda bad."

"Yeah, I guess. This one's pretty comfortable... If only it didn't look so weird."

"You totally deserve it for being a cheapskate! How much was it, ¥1000?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just play. You owe me for playing so badly last game."

"WHAT!?"

I didn't tell her I had the same idiotic headset as her, because I knew she'd say something like 'OMG, Hikio, we, like, HAVE to swap selfies in our headsets!' I also didn't tell her that, with the greatly improved, 4D, brain-piercing sound quality, her voice reminded of the biggest bitch at school.

* * *

When school ended, swarms of loud, disorderly students flooded every square inch of the property, like water bursting from a dam. I usually waited for everyone else to leave before departing. Dealing with the random idiots talking in the hallway or by the lockers was a pain in the ass, especially when they formed clusters. Didn't they realize they were acting like tumors? The thought of them getting irradiated amused me more than it should've.

Today, however, an extra stop had to be made. I drank the last can of iced coffee yesterday evening, and caffeine withdrawal wasn't something I was ready to tackle yet: or ever for that matter. The headaches, nausea, the unrelenting sense of death: I was too young for a drug habit!

After rounding the corner to the vending machines, I noticed a girl leaning against the wall checking her phone. That wasn't an issue, in and of itself, but the girl also happened to have eyes that could make a blind person green with envy. Her eyes were also green... bright green.

I hadn't seen or spoken to Miura since the 'incident.' Fortunately, she didn't look too pissed off, though I wasn't sure if she had ever smiled either. If her face was upside down, she'd be the happiest girl in the world. The corners of my mouth couldn't help but twitch at the thought.

"Wipe that stupid grin off your face. You look more like a fish than usual."

"Relax, I'm just here for a drink."

"..."

"W-What?"

"... Nothing."

"Okay...-"

"... You didn't tell anyone about last Friday, did you?"

"You mean when I rode up on horseback, slayed the dragon, and-"

"I'm serious!"

"Of course not."

"... Good. My life would be over if anyone found out. I don't know what I was thinking."

Was she asking me to blackmail her or something? Please, don't say such misleading, erotic things to a boy my age. It was seriously dangerous for me!

Despite the relatively normal manner in which we talked, the mood was unbearably awkward. I tried to come up with a joke to cut the tension, as it was doubtful she would just let me walk away.

"Really? I think it's quite the honor getting to kiss someone of my caliber-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Ground, where was the ground!? I made a mistake!

Miura had me pinned against the wall by my collar with a vile snarl emanating from her throat. Her face was practically radiating danger: a true harbinger of death!

"YOU FUCKING, CREEP! YOU MADE ME DO IT! IT WAS YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU!"

How were girls this strong!? I had doubts a larger boy our age could do what she was doing, as she continuously slammed me into the wall for emphasis.

"M-Miura, please, l-let me go!"

"NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

As Miura drew back her fist, no doubt an effort to induce amnesia, I closed my eyes in anticipation.

After what felt like a millennium, Miura finally made her move; though, instead of a fist, I felt my feet touch the ground and two hands on my cheeks.

"..."

That sensation again... It was as brief and chaste as the first one... but this time...

As her hands slowly pulled away and the slight pressure left my lips, I didn't dare open my eyes. Miura just tried to paint the wall with my guts; I was scared for my life! But, even more than fear, I wanted to prolong that feeling, that moment we just shared, a little longer, because I knew I couldn't ask for more. The dream would certainly end if I tried, and I didn't want to wake up yet...

"It's all your fault..."

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was her trembling figure as she weakly grasped my blazer. Dealing with emotional issues was never a strong suit of mine, but her unusually feeble behavior beckoned something strange from within me. I was pretty sure I knew what had to be done, though a large part of me wished I was too afraid to do it.

"Yeah... you're kind of stupid."

When her head snapped up, angry, beautiful eyes immediately locked paths with mine. As they dared me to continue speaking, I thought the mascara stains that lined her cheeks looked inexplicably beautiful. Maybe I just liked her face...

"Liking a guy like me... I mean, that's no good... Are you retarded? You don't even like the idea..."

Her grip intensified as her expression grew fiercer. Reinforcements of tears threatened to escape her eyes and join their fallen comrades on her face.

"Besides, you're way too bitchy and annoying for my ta-"

I'd never get used to how hard girls could hit. The slap across my face left my vision blurry and my ears ringing, but the message was clear: I lost.

Perfect.

As Miura tried to retreat, our roles as captor and captive swapped. Held in place by my hands, I steeled my nerves and readied myself for the final act. It was a fun while it lasted, and definitely more than a person like me deserved.

"So...

It was all over.

"Try hating me instead."

I brought my lips to hers, and prepared to wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 - Consultation**

Distance is a peculiar thing.

On paper, the concept is laughably simple. 'The extent or amount of space between two things, points, lines, etc.' Measurements, coefficients, units, addition, subtraction: in other words, simple math. A practice in predictability. It's terribly comforting knowing that, barring a major tectonic event, the grocery store will be one kilometer from the station today, tomorrow, the day after that, and so on. The food they sell will always be cheap, and the employees they hire will always be old. Our species thrives on certainty to the extent that many willingly sacrifice their time and happiness for an imaginary sense of stability.

The truth of the matter is, the meaningless numbers we assign to the world around us suggest time, not distance. For example, a healthy adult can walk one kilometer in 12 minutes, but how pertinent is that to an elderly man with a cane? Is it fair to call one kilometer the same distance in that situation? If the CEO of a large company buys a ¥25,000,000 house on a whim during lunch break, do they spend as much as a family with a 30-year loan on a similar house? Of course not. The distances are obviously not the same.

Distance is something time can't account for. It has a vagueness to it that can only be described in generalizations like 'distant' or 'close.' How close? Adding adjectives like 'very' or 'somewhat' is marginally useful, but they provide nothing numerically certain. Besides, if time spent together was a metric of relationship quality, workplaces would be nurturing environments where happy employees learned their craft under a benevolent leader. Instead, coworkers do their best to avoid strangling each other while bosses bark commands down from their thrones. It's not a coincidence nor a matter of convenience that every cubicle has its own stapler.

My situation wasn't quite so tragic but discouraging nonetheless. Komachi still wouldn't acknowledge my existence after the Kamakura incident, despite the fact that he was the one entirely to blame. Why was it that cats were 'so smart and intelligent' when they opened doors but 'didn't know any better' when they broke something? Did no one else see the error in that logic? If being a cat meant you couldn't be held responsible for anything, reasonable or otherwise, then I'd like to change my goal from 'remora' to 'house cat.' Knowing my luck though, I'd get an owner like me. True to my word, I started messing with Kamakura whenever his sleeping form presented itself. A poke here, a loud noise there, a spilled drink... Maybe that last one was a bit much, but I think he got the message; nothing was beneath Hikigaya Hachiman. If he owned a headset, I would've ripped its cable to shreds too. With my teeth.

Realistically, all I had to do was apologize, but my last vestige of pride prevented me from doing so until now. Her help was direly needed at the moment, and I got my revenge on the cat. It'd be another month or two before he tried something stupid again.

Drinks in hand, I approached the couch. Unfortunately, she was working on math homework, so I already had a strike against me. She wasn't the best student, and her mood was always 'poor' around school work.

"Hey."

"..."

"Want a drink?"

The Hikigaya family was truly blessed with gifted eyes. A real life 'kekkei genkai' if you will. Where mine could deter hoodlums, thugs, and women with a single glance, Komachi was gifted with exceptional peripheral vision. Her eyes didn't move a millimeter as she snatched the carton of strawberry milk from my hand. I was sure our bloodline was only a mutation or two away from creating interdimensional portals.

"Um..."

"I'm busy."

She was also a grand master of grudges. I knew this, because Dad did something stupid years ago that earned her ire for well over a month. Watching a grown man do metaphorical back flips for a little girl was amusing back then, but now that I was the recipient, the memory lost any charm it once had.

"... You know-"

"I said I'm busy."

" _Meowww!_ "

Our fruitful negotiations turned into a two on one scenario with the arrival of the cat. I was already losing the one on one, but she looked excited when Kamakura scampered up to her leg.

"Kamakura! Come here! Who's a good kitty?"

'Good kitty' my ass. As he purred and reveled in the attention bestowed upon him, I peered over her homework for mistakes. In hindsight, it would've been easier if I scanned it for correctness.

"Komachi... these are all wrong."

"So what? Just leave us alone."

How well did those two get along? 'Us?' Her appearance was starkly reminiscent of Glofield or Sr. Evil.

"Here, question one is like this. You forgot to double the top number too."

"... I knew that."

"For problem two, did you cover cross multiplying in class yet?"

"Maybe...?"

"You multiply this with this, and that with that-"

"Oh! I think the teacher showed us something like that. He called them something like 'numerator' and 'dominator' though."

"'Denominator,' not 'dominator.' That's... something else." A certain meddlesome teacher came to mind, but in her case, maybe 'dominatrix' was more appropriate. ' _Puh! You call this shit literature!? Face on the floor, maggot!_ ' Lady Hiratsuka! Not your heel-

" _Meowww!_ "

... When did Kamakura get so tall?

"Onii-chan, your face is seriously gross..."

"Right, sorry. I-"

"Say sorry to him, not me."

" _Meowww!_ "

Of my many talents, I considered interpreting facial expressions to be one of my strongest. Reading between the lines. The two in front of me read something like:

'W _ell? I'm waiting, human~_ ' and _'Go on, Onii-chan. Apologize to kitty kitty. We're not talking again until you do.'_

"... Sorry." _Puh!_

"That's better. See, Kamakura? Onii-chan's not a total failure!"

Was that really necessary?

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing in particular."

"Come on, you wouldn't help me with _math_ unless something bad happened."

Sorry you have such an unreliable brother. "Well..."

* * *

 _Was this why people put up with marriage? It wouldn't be so bad if you got to experience this every day... Amongst other things. Hopefully, the 'tri-weekly' theory didn't apply to kissing too._

 _Her lips were so soft and warm... Her whole body was soft... and she smelled like the can of iced coffee she gave me earlier in the week._

 _When she pushed back, my hands fell from her shoulders. Like a drawbridge lowering to release the captives. I wasn't sure if my face could take another slap, but I wasn't cutting our kiss short to avoid the possibility._

 _As her fingers extended to wrap themselves my neck, it occurred to me that she 'pushed back' with her face, and her hands weren't strangling me to death after all. They rested firmly on my cheeks, perfectly sized and warm as a towel straight from the dryer._

 _Something was wrong, very wrong. Miura hated my guts; the way she looked at me when we crossed paths in the hallway was evidence enough of that. She'd probably close the door on me if I was rolling around in a wheelchair! The kisses were nothing but misplaced gratitude and a mild dose of suspension bridge effect. That other girl was way scarier than any bridge I'd ever crossed, especially when she beat the crap out of both of us. Wait, was that how Mom and Dad met!? Did someone clobber them with a steel pipe before they started-_

 _My musings halted when Miura briefly broke the kiss and reattached herself around my upper lip. As she gently worked and massaged the area, I clumsily tried to copy the motion before a tongue dragged painfully slowly across width of my lip._

 _My shoulders tensed and twitched at the wonderful feeling before our lips pulled but a few centimeters away. Her eyes opened, and bright green irises commanded my vision._

 _In a voice no louder than a secret on the moon, I heard it:_

 _"Hikio..."_

 _Almost as though she made a mistake, her eyes lost their previous luster and instead grew anxiously wide. She detached herself from my figure and disappeared around the corner like a bat out of hell. As the sound of her steps grew more and more faint, the synapses in my brain started firing again at an acceptable level._

 _"Yumi...?"_

* * *

"Wait!? So you've been seeing a girl this whole time, and you never told me!?"

"Well... we kind of just played games together. I never knew we went to the same school." We never even exchanged our real names.

"Kyaa! Onii-chan, you have to bring her over some time! What's she like?"

"Were you listening? We're just friends... if that at this point."

"Come on, Onii-chan... don't be a spoil sport. At least tell me what she's like!"

"... She's about my height, maybe a little less."

"... and?"

"She has a face."

"Do you want my help or not?"

"Okay, okay... She's a little shorter than me, and her hair is blond. Not dirty or light blond, yellow like the sun. It's about this long and has these cute little spiral things on the front over her shoulders. Her eyes glow green like fine peridots. You almost don't think they're real. She gets mad at everything, and says 'HUH!?' whenever something doesn't make sense. She always wears a lot of makeup, and she also smells like-"

"I get it, Onii-chan! She's perfect: don't be creepy! Besides, you're gonna make me jealous if you keep talking about another girl like that. Kyaa! I bet that was worth a lot of Komachi points!"

"... Right." It was, but I definitely didn't tell her that. Her ego was massive enough.

"She sounds bossy though. Are you sure she's not taking advantage of you?"

"The Hikigaya family fortune is safe, I promise."

"I'm serious! She's not having you do homework for winks and sweet nothings, is she?"

"The exact opposite. She's more likely to give someone the finger than a hug."

Komachi gasped in a grossly overdone fashion. "You mean she's a delinquent? Blond hair, your eyes, it's a match made in heaven! You'd look so dangerously cute walking down an alley together! Baseball bats in hand!"

"Yeah, if we patch things up, I was thinking of buying a motorcycle. Maybe a chain and a tattoo too, right across my forehead."

"Haha! That'd be the perfect look for you, Onii-chan!"

She was kidding, right? "So, other than mutilating my face, how do I fix this?"

"Well, did you try messaging her in-game or something?"

"I tried. She won't pick up her phone either."

"You have her phone number!? I'm so proud of you."

I was ashamed to admit that I actually felt a sense of accomplishment as Komachi wiped fake tears from the corner of her eye.

"Yeah, but what good is it if she won't answer. I've already called several times-"

"That's no good, Onii-chan! You can't crowd a girl like that!"

"You can't?"

"No! I mean, even if you've known each other for a couple years online, it's totally weird to just make out with someone you met last week, right? She's confused. I bet she wasn't expecting someone like you, so just give her time to realize that it wasn't a mistake: that you're actually an okay guy on the inside."

... Was I the hunchback of Chiba or something? "I don't get it though. It was just a kiss, and I didn't even know it was her."

Komachi sighed like she'd just finished a 15 hour shift at the sawmill. "Onii-chan... Just trust me, okay? She obviously didn't want you to know it was her."

"Why not?"

"I'm sure she has her reasons, just stop trying to force it out of her! Geez..."

"... Is there anything I _can_ do?"

"I think sending her a text is okay. Don't be needy though, and don't be a jerk! And just one! Something like 'Hey, I was thinking about what happened and just wanted to let you know that I still like you. Even if it's years from now, I'll always be there to answer if you call.' Isn't that romantic!?"

There was no way in hell I could send something so mushy, but I knew she had the right idea.

"I think I get the idea. Thanks, Koma-"

"Hey, where do you think your going?"

As I got up to leave, her hand latched onto me like a pair pliers. It felt like she was trying to break my forearm. How was her tiny hand so strong!?

"I helped you with your problem, but I still have seven math problems left. You not trying to be an ungrateful deadbeat, are you, Onii-chan?"

"O-Of course not!"

It was easy to forget that, despite her radiant smile and cheerful eyes, Komachi was, without doubt, a pure-blooded Hikigaya.


End file.
